Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I deserve this hangover.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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