the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
40s are totally the cure
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
