I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
