the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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