I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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