Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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