the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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