He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
