saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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