are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
