well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i came on her dog
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
