Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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