i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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