the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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