I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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