yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
