literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
