shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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