My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
