she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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