You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
