Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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