I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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