Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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