My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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