I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
