Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
