Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
