I like my sex mixed with concussions.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
