yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
