we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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