this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
