you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
