This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Randomize
