you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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