Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize