I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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