I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
