Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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