Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
