Can Purell be used as lube?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
