Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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