No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
