he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize