Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
