He asked to "fluff my boner.."
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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