Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
