So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
