i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize