If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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