I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
