WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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