lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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