dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Dicks are not precious.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
