How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
