The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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