thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
