i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize