i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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