It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
