If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
