booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize