There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
