I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
