Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
