Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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