I think I just saw someone hide a body.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize