I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
