I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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