Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
